From: MistyRose1945

When faced with divorce, what if we pulled our focus inward in terms of what is wrong with us instead of crying from the hilltops that our mate hurt us?

What if we looked long and hard at what we did to get us into the situation instead of shredding the former mate?

What if instead of using words intended to emotionally wound, we used compassion and kindness with our mate even if it isn't returned?

What if instead of fighting to force someone to stay using guilt, threats, manipulation and control, we actually loved them enough to let them go, bless them and work on our own healing?

What if instead of thinking up new ways to get even, to taunt and to emotionally mar, we thought healing thoughts about our former mate whether we're the dumped or the dumpee?

What if instead of stewing on our anger and swallowing our own poison for days on end, we asked for the ability to forgive our former spouse and forgive ourselves?

What if instead of reacting to button pushing, we instead chose to see what was happening is truly a cry for love and understanding from our partner. That doesn't mean you have to go back or take them back but you instead understand and even if only in your mind, have compassion.

What if instead of arguing to be right, we instead sought to understand another has a need to go?

What if instead of wanting misery for our former spouse because they hurt us, we strove to find ourselves in a place where we want nothing but peace and happiness?

Do you know that if you can do these things, you will bring yourself peace and healing?

Relationships are our richest lessons in life. No matter what happens or how much it hurts, we learn and we grow. We should always seek to understand and see our own hand in our undoing. Maybe we were in denial; maybe we were blind due to psychological trauma in our past so we didn't see something bad coming our way. Those thoughts are intended to help you reach understanding, not promote self-loathing. All anyone can do in a situation is all they know how to do. We can claim common decency dictates otherwise or even an idiot would handle things better but that doesn't have anything to do with the fact that someone only does what they know how to do. I think that calls for compassion and forgiveness...and you know what? When you give that, you get it back 10-fold.

So, acknowledge your pain but pull your energy back inside to heal you...do what is best for you and try to minimize the harsh thoughts towards your former mate. If you can do this, you will heal and become whole again so much faster.

Words of wisdom from a member of the Divorce Support Forum.

More Wordless Wednesday

You and your spouse get a divorce. Divorce means your children have two homes with two parents caring for the children at different times. It is important that children have health care insurance when in the care of both parents. Accomplishing this can be complicated and will play a large role during divorce settlement negotiations.

What you will have to determine is how you both will work together to maintain healthcare insurance for your children.

Divorce is about many things. It is about lost love and trust. It is about shattered dreams and hopes. It is about children and keeping them safe. Divorce is also about money. That’s right. Money. And, in most divorces as in most marriages that end in divorce, money is a major issue that needs to be approached, processed and settled in order for a re-constituting family to move on healthfully.

In Collaborative Divorce, there is a vital and special role for a neutral professional with specialized financial expertise and training – someone that has come to be known as the Financial Specialist.

Emotional affairs occur primarily via the Internet and phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to add this behavior to your list of suspicions behaviors.

Below are behaviors to be aware of:

• Your spouse turns off his/her cell phone when in your presence.

• Your spouse leaves the room to take cell phone calls.

• Your spouse becomes upset if you answer his/her cell phone.

• Your spouse becomes defensive if you ask him/her about the above behaviors.

Most spouses engaged in an affair consider their cell phone to be a necessary part of keeping the affair going.

Who is your spouse talking to on their cell phone?

Some spouses engage in online affairs. Some use the computer excessively when having a physical affair. If your spouse is spending excessive amounts of time on the computer they could be engaged in an online affair or they are using the computer to stay in contact with their physical affair partner. Do you know the signs that point to unhealthy computer use?

Working late is a great cover for a spouse who is having an affair. If your spouse suddenly has to work late after years of coming home at a certain time then I would say it is safe to be suspicious that something other than work is going on.

Work related excuses are a good way to account for large blocks of time away from home. They may tell you they are burning the midnight oil when, infact they are working between the sheets with the other man/other woman.

More Wordless Wednesday

If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention because something is probably up. Your souse may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign!

Belinda Rachman will be conducting a free divorce teleseminar tomorrow, April 29th. The focus will be on spreading the word about peaceful divorce options.

This is not only a teleseminar but a webcast also. You will be able to type in questions in real time during the Teleclass or ahead of time. You can also choose to listen from your computer or directly from the seminar site.

If you are interested in participating go to Heatspace Mediation System and register.